Nos vemos, Cabo

Tonight is my last night in Cabo. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t ready to come home. I miss being in somewhat of a routine, even though it wasn’t much of one. Don’t get me wrong-- I’ve truly enjoyed my time away. Went to the gym almost every day, had a spa day, went on a boat and ate like a king, but overall I’m ready to get back to real life.

“C” has texted me a few times while away, definitely a pleasant surprise. I’m trying to manage my expectations considering his current level of availability (or lack there of). I like him but I know that’s a slippery slope because he’s not in the same playing field. I know I have a tendency to solicit help from those closest to me, and they all have good intentions, but often times their advice directly contradicts how I want to handle things therefore creating an internal debate. I need stop taking people’s opinions to heart and start believing in myself to make my own decisions. I’ve decided to stop asking for help on my dating life.

Now, how am I going to handle the “C” situation? I don’t have the slightest idea. I know I enjoy his company. Possibly more than he enjoys mine. I took him to a comedy show last time we hung out, which was a huge step for me. To plan something for someone else (of the opposite sex) was definitely outside my comfort zone. I just hope he was appreciated of it. The mere possibility that he may not have upsets me, but I guess I’ll never know. I long for someone who would do that for me, plan things. It doesn’t even have to be a spectacular activity. It’s just been so long since someone has done something purely for me.

Today I was reminded of when I bought a round trip flight to Spain for my ex. I wasted a lot of money doing that. I did it because I thought we were going to be together forever. I truly had good intentions. I misjudged the situation.  I know I shouldn’t look at it like that, but its hard not to. I did a lot for him. It’s funny how life pans out sometimes. I sometimes wonder if he feels the pain that I occasionally do. I don’t feel sad all the time, but when it hits, it hits hard (like tonight). I can only hope all the powers that be will allow me to meet someone that will truly love me whole-heartedly.   

In the meantime, I need to cut myself some slack and listen to my heart. I know I make semi-decent decisions. Just need to translate that to the dating world. 

So what does this have to do with my return back to Chicago? Well, for one, I need to approach the “C” situation with caution -- while still maintaining the “fun.” Seems like a tall order, but worth a shot. I also need to start putting myself out there (and I’m not talking about more dating). I’ve reached out to the Little Brothers organization to attend their orientation on volunteer opportunities in nursing homes. I realize these are small steps, but it’s the beginning steps of my road to recovery.

Upwards and onwards.

Viva Mexico!

I leave for Cabo mañana. I originally booked this trip to “escape” my break up. Yes, I realize the trip was scheduled 7 months post break up -- but I figured it’d give me something to look forward to. Now that it’s finally here, I’m excited to get away, specifically from work, to reset.

My dear friend is traveling with me tomorrow, and I couldn’t be more excited! I planned on traveling alone, but when discussing her desire to travel more over the summer, I mentioned this trip and invited her to tag along. She jumped at the opportunity and booked that same day! I couldn’t be happier that she’s joining me on this venture; I know we will have a fantastic time.

The past few weeks I’ve been pretty lost in terms of what I’m doing with my life. I wake up, go to the gym, then work, leave, get home and pass out -- and then the occasional date or two. Nothing too unique, which is why I’m struggling with my life’s “purpose.” Someone recently told me that I should pursue my “passion.” I definitely cringed when I first heard those words, but there’s truth in the statement.  

I’ve been having a hard time identifying what makes me unique. In true fashion, I took to a list:

-Speak Spanish fluently

-My Italian isn’t so bad

-1st generation US American

-Lived in Spain for a semester w/ a Spanish speaking family (zero English spoken)

-Lived in Florida for 2 years as an adult

-Lived in Indiana for 4 years in college

-I’m one of 5 kids (same parents): 2 brothers, 2 sisters

-My parents are foreign (from Italy and Mexico)

-I’ve done a lot of traveling (5 of 7 continents)

-I grew up going to Italy every summer

-I’m a proud Zia of two nephews and a niece

-I have a “cool” job working in advertising on the global BP business

-I’m athletic (or used to be)

Looking at this list, I’m not so impressed. I feel like a majority of these are very “basic.” I realize that maybe that’s just my opinion, but if I’m not impressed with myself, why should I think someone else would be?

I’ve been going on a few dates with this one guy. We’ll call him “C.” He’s very dreamy and possesses a lot of invaluable qualities. He’s a smart, driven, worldly, witty, handsome, educated, calm, mild-mannered, sweet gentleman.

Now, the only “downside” to him is that he’s recently divorced, therefore not really ready to settle down. That’s ok, because I am not really ready to jump into a relationship either, but would like to know if he’s open to exploring where this is headed. I think he likes me, because why else would he have hung out with me 6x in the past 5 weeks, right?  Although, he did confirm that he was going on other dates (he has one tonight, actually). I can’t be upset; I don’t “own” him. If anything, I appreciate his honesty, but I’d be lying if I told you I hope he has a nice time tonight. I hope he has a LAME time (there, I said it!).

That’s why this trip is coming at the perfect time. It will allow for me to take a step back and refocus on my priorities – which knowingly is me. As mentioned previously, I don’t feel so great about myself. I want to make a change. But what’s so different now about me saying that than when I’ve said it before? Nothing! I’m hoping my trip grants me the peace and tranquility needed to really examine how to take back my life.

Wish me luck for the next 6 days! I’ll be doing a lot of self-discovery!

Learning to believe in myself

I went to church today. Before you write me off, I’d like to state that I go to church to cleanse myself from all that has occurred during the week (good and/or bad). I grew up in a Catholic home, but I wouldn’t consider myself a die-hard Catholic. I would rather identify myself as a follower of the “golden rule,” spiritual at best.

I remember as a child, I always looked forward to the homilies during mass; specifically what stories the priests would share. Now as an adult, I unfortunately find the homilies given are a bit lackluster. I know these priests have spent many years perfecting their lecturing skills, and I do not believe that’s the problem, but rather the content presided. I recall having a conversation with my brother (whom is an avid-Catholic) expressing my disappointment with the content discussed weekly. I mentioned that maybe the Roman Catholic Church should enlist the help of a consultant to create a content calendar for the year; and my brother politely informed me that Vatican City already employs a group to do so (goes to show how much I know!). I think it’s time for them to re-evaluate their current contracts to possibly bring on a more fruitful partner.

On a separate note, today, the priest goes on to talk about a parishioner that expressed his loss in faith for God/Jesus Christ. Apparently the trials this individual has dealt with were far too challenging to overcome, hence the questioning of his faith.

Without going into further detail, the moral of the story was that this individual was not questioning his faith in God, but rather himself. Without believing in yourself, you start to lose confidence and trust in yourself. Makes sense, right? This idea really resonated with me. I have been making up excuses for my setbacks, when the real reason I’ve been so depressed is because I’ve been getting in my own way to find happiness!

This stuck with me all day today, and has challenged me to think differently in how I’m going to approach my life (but in the more immediate future, my week). I went to the grocery store, bought a bunch of veggies and proteins to start meal prepping for the week. This may seem minute and insignificant to many. The reality is, I’ve been eating so poorly that past few weeks, that I know this reset should only benefit my wellbeing and me.

I’ve decided to dedicate the next 90 days to following a workout and dietary program that I’ve completed in the past. It’s a little scary, but exciting at the same time. Tomorrow is Monday (9/17), the perfect day to start this new chapter. I just need to remind myself that I will make mistakes and to have compassion for them. I also will need plenty of patience.

Wish me luck!

Self-reflection to self-destruction

The past few days I’ve been feeling pretty down in the dumps. A lot of self-reflection and it’s been putting me in an agitated state. Mainly because I didn’t expect my life to be where it is at today. Not that I lead a deprived life, but I didn’t think I’d be almost 30, no where near finding my prince charming to start a family.

I identify certain points in my life with photos. The way I look mainly tells me how I was feeling at that moment in time. I think the last time I actually felt good about myself was January 2016 (see thumbnail). I went to Miami to celebrate my girlfriend’s bachelorette party, and felt like a million bucks (and looked it too)! I just felt like I had more control of my life. Why? Not exactly sure, but I know I want that back. This lack of confidence tells me that I’m not stable enough to meet anyone right now.

There’s a lot I want to accomplish/learn at this time:

-I want to learn how to play guitar

-I want to volunteer at nursing homes

-I want to have a killer tan ;)

-I want to lose 35 lbs

-I want to have glowing skin

-I want to buy a keyboard and play more piano

-I want to get rid of my spider veins

-I don’t want my thighs to touch

-I want a flat belly

-I want smaller boobs

-I want thinner arms

-I want a sexy back

-I want a small, but still shapely butt

-I want to get rid of the broken capillaries on my face

-Maybe Botox?

The list seems never ending. But really, I would like to accomplish a majority of these things. I just want to feel like I can run the world, and by accomplishing the above, I think it would do wonders for my self-esteem. I really need to come up with a game plan to get started on my improvement plan. Anyone have any ideas on how to get motivated? Serious lack of interest over here!

Operation Julie's turning 30

It’s the middle of September and I’m now realizing I turn 30 in about 6 months. This concept overwhelms me with mixed feelings. It’s comforting that I have a better grasp of who I am today, but I can’t help but focus on the growing pains that got me here.

I recently got out of a long-term relationship (5 years) and have been “riding solo” for 6 months. Although it has been extremely gratifying, I occasionally catch myself reflecting on the loss. I’d like to clarify -- I don’t miss “him.” The last few years that he was in my life negatively impacted my overall well-being. Unfortunately I was too blind to see it, but those closest to me expressed their concerns.

Thank you for showing your love and care for me (you know who you are).

In hindsight, I am very thankful for no longer being a part of that relationship, and welcome my unpredictable future with open arms!

I’m not going to fool you on how I handled my “road to recovery” post-breakup.  I turned to online dating to keep myself occupied. Not my proudest moment, but it did remind me that I “still got it.” Might sound silly, but in my last relationship, my ex rarely validated his attraction to me. I’m not condoning that you need a man to justify your self worth, but I will say, going on these dates helped my mojo in a very materialistic/shallow manner.  

During my dating escapades, I met a majority of nice guys (encouraging!), despite the horror stories I’ve heard through my cousins and friends. It makes me feel optimistic that someday I will meet someone who will truly love me for who I am. Until then, in order to be ready for this “epic love,” I need to feel good; I need to feel whole again! I used to have such a spice for life and pep in my step but it’s been missing for quite some time for many reasons.

As of today, I’m drawing a line in the sand, and plan to focus on myself. I’m going to get my mojo back! It’s official, operation “Julie’s turning 30” is in full force!

To start, I created a list of things that I enjoy (or used to) doing. This is where I landed:

-traveling (nationally and internationally)

-shopping

-getting manis/pedis

-spending time with my family

-spending time with my friends

-working out (running, yoga, HIIT)

-learning a language

-playing piano & guitar

-listening to live music

-cooking

-spending time with Sebastian

-being outdoors

-organizing

Nothing too profound, but it’s a start! By engaging in these basic interests, I hope to make improvements as I move into my 30s. By the time I’m 30, I would love to have a handle on my following flaws:

-Self-deprecation

-Weight gain (should lose at least 30 lbs)

-Ambivalence/detachment

-Hard-headedness 

I realize that I’m my own toughest critic, and should also be compassionate towards my struggles, but the time is now to take back control. This blog/diary is here to help me capture my breakthrough moments, as well as the mundane, to keep myself honest. I hope that you find some entertainment in my trials, because personally I don’t like to take life too seriously. We’re only human.